mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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