I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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