Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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