..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Randomize
