Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
Randomize
