You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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