It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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