I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
