I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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