I faked an abortion last night.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
