It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
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