Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Randomize
