it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Never let your siblings swipe right.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
