I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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