He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize