Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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