I got chris browned last night
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
