I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Randomize
