Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
