Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
