i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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