Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Randomize
