She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
