Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
