Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
