I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
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