I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
