Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
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