I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
