New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
