I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
