I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Randomize
