Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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