P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
