White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I need to stop coming to work sober
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize