i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Randomize
