Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
