He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
