is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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