took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
