please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
