I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
