i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
