mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
