I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
