i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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