OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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