wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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