i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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