Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
How does one acquire holy water?
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
