Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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