I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
