Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Randomize
