No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
You are the jesus of drinking
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Randomize
