dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
