I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
My feet surprised me
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize