Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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