I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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