I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
