My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
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